The Things We Lose For All The Wrong Reasons

i was watching the video i took of sam's wife walking down the aisle with her father in arm.

when i noticed something i have only seen in video for years now..

before the bride came the flower girls.. and one of the little girls couldn’t stop laughing

which made me and a lot of other people laugh too

and there in the background

through the pubic hair beard he's got now… i saw bishop smiling.
laughing even

and it made me feel like i was missing something.

then there’s the picture that i had josie take of me, sam, fredo, and isaac.

i showed it to sam and told him that the only thing missing was big ass bishop standing in the back.. and we laughed that broken laughter that comes from a place thinly veiled in guilt.

the things we lose for all the wrong reasons.

finally
it was late in the night and they stretched this huge screen across one side of the little area where we were seated and sam said he was gonna play a video slideshow

and he was dedicating it to someone who couldn’t be there..

sam’s brother was sitting next to me and he said he thought it was for his grandpa.

so, i didn’t think too much of it...

i leaned back and readied myself to watch the show

when the music started

that one song… the song we all have in common

me. bishop. sam. and joser.


the story goes

when we came home from boot camp we had 10 days of vacation

and the 1st day, i think, we went to bishops house for a while and it so happened that his parents weren't home so we broke out the plastic bottle vodka.

well joser did

and maybe bishop. i’m not sure, it was so long ago.

we all got on the computer and downloaded music

well joser downloaded "time after time" by cyndi lauper and he sat there and drank and listened to that song over and over again that night

to this day i don’t know why, but we always remember it.


so the video starts and the song follows

it’s the cover of time after time by matchbox 20

immediately my eyes fill with tears and i tell josie that i have to go

i stand up and walk away slowly… trying to hold it in.

i stare out into the night and i cant hold it.

i turn around and here comes sam, also teary eyed.

he reaches for me and hugs me the way a father should hold his son.

i cry outloud as the song progresses

you said go slow… i fall behind… and the second hand unwinds… if you're lost you can look and you will find me... time after time... if you fall i will catch you ill be waiting… time after time

i end up missing most of the video and i don’t remember if sam said anything to me during those minutes but i don’t remember anyone else being around.

it was like everyone else had disappeared.
and i wish bishop had stayed to see it too


the things we lose for all the wrong reasons.


i think i thanked sam for the song but its all hazy and still drenched in the tears i left on his rented tuxedo coat that night.


After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows--you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time--